Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
