the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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