i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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