In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
