Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
