I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
