my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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