I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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