And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
