3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
