You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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