this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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