Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
