i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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