I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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