It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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