dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
