i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
ok first of all what the fuck
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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