Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
me + whiskey = a bad person
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
