I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
