I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
