Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
