If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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