Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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