Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
