Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
