I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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