hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
