my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
