So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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