Four minutes until I can fart!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
