good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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