I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
