she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
