Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
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You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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