well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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