Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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