No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
