T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
