everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
