I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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