Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
