this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
