sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
