I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
