I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
