Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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