Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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