It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
