I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
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I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
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Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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