I wish my penis had an off switch
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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