i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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