I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
