I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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