So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
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I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
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You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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